So this weekend was a terrible reminder of the fact that my body hates me. So I’ve known for a while that my stomach doesn’t love when I eat gluten. If I eat too much delicious, gluten filled products it feels like someone is stabbing me in the stomach. I’m such a fat kid at heart though, that often times (by often I mean almost every day) I will say “Eh, this pizza is totally worth a little stomach death later.” I mean seriously, the pain goes away in a few hours and, lets be honest, pizza is god’s gift to the planet. This weekend, as I made myself a totally normal breakfast of Berry Berry Kix and a bagel with cream cheese, I realized that my face was feeling funny. I started to feel super itchy and I got really red. Not okay. My skin is always a little dry in the winter, but this was new. Turns out…my already dry winter skin was pissed off at all the gluten I had been eating and decided to have a weird kind of allergic reaction to it. Stomach pains I can deal with, but a red itchy face…not so much. I’ve been going back to the gym which is great, but I think it’s about time I went back to not eating like an 19 year old brother.
Having made this decision I decided to write an obituary for all of my favorite foods. Here goes…
1. Pizza: you will always be my main squeeze. Honestly I’d rather see pizza in heaven than my childhood dog Chestnut…I love it that much.
2. Grilled Cheese: I mean how can you not love grilled cheese…bread, cheese, butter…what could be better? Pizza is what, but grilled cheese is still pretty awesome.
3. Bagels: Two of the main reasons why I love the Jewish population are bagels and Chelsea Handler. Side note- there are a lot of famous people that I didn’t know were Jewish…you should Google it…that’s what I did.
3a. Bagel Bites: these suckers combine two of my favorite things: pizza and bagels. AMAZING.
4. Reduced Fat Cheese Its: Even if you weren’t full of gluten I would still need to give you up because I am incapable of not finishing an entire box in one sitting.
5. Cookie Dough: Not cookies…I could live without them, but cookie dough. I once found enough nickels in my house to buy a roll of cookie dough…instead of being mad the grocery store clerk was impressed by my commitment to cookie dough and my ability to count nickels quickly. You will be truly missed. Another side note: did you know the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street is now the veggie monster?? Young kids are probably going to turn out soooo weird.
6. Cheese Doodles: I think cheese doodles are so processed that they don’t actually have gluten in them, but let’s be honest; I should not still be eating cheese doodles at 23.
7. Ramen Noodles: I’m serious…I really love this stuff. Ramen noodles combined two of my other favorite things: salt and cheap food. Thank you for always being 10 for $1.00.
8. Beer: While I’ve been really bad with food, I haven’t actually had a beer in 4 years. I still wanted to include it on the list just to highlight what a pain in the ass that is. When everyone can enjoy the cheap $2 beer deal…I can not. When everyone enjoys a game of (insert basically any college game here)…I can not. When everyone kicks back to enjoy the football game and a beer…I have to be that asshole who asks if you have any mixed drinks or cider available. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Fraternity guys around the world should pour one out for everyone with gluten allergies.
9. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (The shapes kind): Some days, you just feel like having your food shaped like your favorite cartoon characters and drowned in butter mixed with fake cheese. You always made me feel a little bit better.
10. Olive Garden Bread Sticks: Do people go to Olive Garden for anything else? I highly doubt it.
Other items considered, but ultimately not included to fulfill my OCD need to end on the number 10: Salted pretzels, cheese ravioli, Reese’s peanut butter cups, and peanut butter snickers.
R.I.P to all of my favorite foods. I will no longer be consuming you….starting tomorrow…