I have never been a very cool person who does cool things and looks awesome always. Most of the time I babble like an idiot, trip over nothing, and have food stuck in my teeth. Public humiliation is kind of my forte. It’s a pretty great life. Here are 11 of my stand out embarrassing moments:
(Why 11 you ask? I was going to write 10 originally, but then realized I had already written 11. So BONUS! You get to read 11 of my embarrassing moments.)
- In reading circle (basically daycare for kids before they are old enough for pre-school) we all had to sit in a circle on pillows. I always sat next to my best friend, Helen. My teacher thought that was really unhealthy (umm I don’t remember her having a psych degree. Butt out of my business lady) and that I needed to make new friends. She made Helen move and sit next to some other kids. I cried until the teacher gave up. Turns out I was pretty shy and obnoxious as a child.
- That same year in reading circle I peed my pants. Correction, I peed my overalls. I hated having to ask to use the bathroom because I thought it was embarrassing to talk about. (I blame my mother who always said it was gross and un-lady like to talk about bathroom business). Turns out, asking to go to the bathroom is far less embarrassing then peeing your pants. My mom had to come pick me up and buy the lady a new pillow. I think it was really just my revenge since she had tried to make Helen move. Totally showed her.
- In kindergarten we had to present a talent. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian so I memorized a bunch of jokes from this book. The kid who was going right before me apparently had the same idea AND he told my best joke! It was something about ducks and being quacks. It killed with the 5 and under crowd. All of a sudden I got super nervous. I realized I wasn’t funny, that the rest of my jokes sucked, and that I had no idea what to say to my audience of fellow kindergartners and parents. I cried and refused to speak
I didn’t think I was that big of a crier as a child…I guess I was? God I must have been annoying.
- In elementary school this kid Jake was the cutest, coolest boy ever. I was seriously in love with him. He was on my bus and he would occasionally talk to me if nothing else was going on. One day, in fifth grade I think, he told me he would basically go out with any girl in our class even though he was really popular. He thought everyone was really nice and wouldn’t say no to anyone. So I asked him out. He said no.
- In elementary school I was a little bit of a tom boy and had to be the best at everything. At recess my friends were had a competition of who could swing the highest and jump off. I decided I had to win. I definitely swung the highest, but when I jumped off I missed my landing and landed right on my ass. I severely bruised my tailbone and couldn’t sit right for a week.
- My AIM name in JR High and High School was crzy4u576.
- In high school this guy was driving my friends and I around. My friends and I had consumed a few beverages and it was very late at night. I noticed something up ahead in the road and started freaking out and told them to not hit the little person with the flash light. It was a traffic cone with a blinking light on top.
(You caught me. I really said midget, but I’m trying to write a PC blog here, okay?).
- In high school I thought I would seem really cool if I brought my sisters older college friend to one of our school dances. He left after five minutes saying his grandfather had an emergency. My sister told me later that both of his grandfathers had passed away years ago.
- In college I had this bad habit of leaving parties alone and not telling my friends where I was going. One Halloween I did just that. I decided I was close enough to the dorms to walk back. It was dark and I was in a stupid costume so, as I started to sober up, I started to regret my decision a little. I called my roommate to come find me. Instead of just waiting for her, I kept walking and decided a great protective measure was to keep my cell phone out and to periodically shout “Don’t mess with me. I’ll call 9-1-1.”
- In grad school we had to take improv class because they thought it would help us with networking. Our teacher asked us to record a video where we taught the class how to do something. I taught my MBA class how to do a head stand.
Seriously people…I’m not talented…stop making me try to do stuff.
- Sorry- going to end on a gross note- At my former job the bathrooms were right next to a bunch of people’s desk so everyone could hear you if you were being super loud and gross. I felt really sick one day and started to think there was a very real possibility that I would throw up. I didn’t want everyone to hear me puke so I went to the parking lot and threw up behind my car. Super classy. Technically, my co-workers should thank me since I was only looking out for them.
I think, overall, life is way better when you embarrass yourself. I’d like to take back some of the crying and definitely the peeing, but I’ll keep my awkward, embarrassing tendencies. I don’t think I’d know what to do if I had to act cool. Sounds like it would be much less fun.
Being from the Northeast I knew the stereotypes of Texas…everyone carries a gun and a knife and everyone is all bad ass cowboy and stuff. When I decided to move here, I figured people were exaggerating. Turns out its no exaggeration.
I recently had a co-worker get fired. Rumor mill said he liked to drink a little too much and not show up for work the next day. Apparently when he got the ax he flipped and yelled terrible things. And by terrible, I mean we changed the lock code fully expecting him to come down and try and destroy things or fight people. WT Duck?
Needless to say, it is all anyone can talk about. The reactions from some people to the stories have scared me more than the threat of a disgruntled co-worker, or ex-co-worker, storming the office. Here’s how the conversations have been going:
Co-worker One: “Did you hear about blah?”
Co-worker Two: “Crazy right? I can’t believe the things he said. Do you think he’ll try and come down here?”
Co-worker One: “If he does, I’ve got a gun in my car; I’ll take care of it.”
Co-worker One: “Come on give us the scoop”
My Boss: “No way, you’ll blog about it and piss him off more.”
Side note: I think its fine for me to blog about it since people here still don’t really know me or read my blog. So if I die tomorrow, call the police and tell them I pissed off a recently fired co-worker by blogging about his unfortunate circumstances.
Co-worker One: “Oh come on, tell us what he said.”
My Boss: “I’m not, but I’ll tell ya, I half expected to see the door kicked in this morning. I’ve got my shotgun in my car though so he’d be stupid to try something.”
My Boss to me: “You want to see my gun?”
Me: “WT DUCK. No you crazy bastard. Guns are scary and people die from their own guns and accidents and NO NO NO.”
Okay, that’s not exactly what I said, but I was thinking it. What I really said was:
Me: “I’m good. Guns scare me. Isn’t there a statistic that in burglaries, more people die or are injured from their own guns then burglars actually bringing guns?”
My Boss: “Who do you think puts out those statistics? You Yankees who want gun control.”
Is this real life?
The pros and cons of starting a tab at a bar:
- You don’t have to give your card every time you get a drink, wait for the bartender to run it and give you a receipt to sign.
- You can just tip at the end instead of trying to find a couple dollars every time.
- You seem way cooler.
- You seem even cooler if you buy a round for a bunch of people and say “yea just put this round on my tab.”
- You are the coolest person ever if that bunch of people includes me and I’m getting a free drink.
- You might drink way more than you would if you had to pay every time.
- You might forget to close your tab (mostly likely due to Con #1) and have to shamefully go back the next day at lunch to claim it.
- Or worse…you don’t even realize you forgot to close your tab until your bank calls saying the bar called and they have your card.
- b. Side note: In college my friend forgot to close his tab. The bar called his bank. Except his parents pay for everything so the card was under their account. The bank called his parents to tell them where the card was. He got a nice call the next morning from his mother telling him to stop spending their money on booze and to get his hung-over ass down to Sandbar to claim the card. So many good memories at that bar.
- You might buy a million people drinks (because you want to seem even cooler…see pro #4 and #5).
- People might try and charge drinks to your tab. I’m not sure if this ever really happens, but it seems like it could and my broke ass would not be happy.
- Your bartender could give your card away to a stranger…
Over the weekend I was at a bar called O’Brien’s in downtown Temple. It’s an Irish pub that has live music pretty often I guess. They did not have any live music that night and instead played a very random mix of pop, hip hop, and alternative music. It looked like they also had trivia going. Two people were playing…Joey and Dude. I was rooting for Dude. They had Strongbow cider on tap so I was pretty content.
The person I was with gave the bartender his card to start a tab. We finished out first round and then ordered our second. The waitress (we sat at a table since the barstools were full) seemed really confused and came back over and asked my friend to write his name down on a post it. After a good five minutes the bartender came back over to our table looking mortified. He explained that he charged the card for our two drinks, gave the card to another couple, that couple signed and left with the card. The bartender said he ran up and down the street, but couldn’t find the couple anywhere.
My friend is now without his debit card and will have to call today to cancel the card and order a new one.
One the plus side, the bar credited the drinks they had charged to the card and gave us our next round free. The lesson here: everyone should pro/con it up at the bar before starting a tab. I mean really, pro/cons should be used at all times; decisions big and small. One general rule should always be included though…If the person you are with is extremely attractive then Pros win every time. Whatever you’re about to do is automatically a good decision. Start yourself a tab and look all cool…totally worth it.
Okay, okay I didn’t actually survive a tornado, but let’s be honest, that title is way more exciting than “The night I received my first tornado warning on TV but only ended up getting Thunder and Lightning.”
I got home from work last night and, after taking my dog for a walk and eating dinner, resumed my usual spot on the couch for some evening TV. I’m a sucker for reality TV reunion shows (whether I’ve watched any previous episodes or not) and last night was Real World Portland’s. Around 10pm warnings started appearing at the top of the screen for tornados in my county. What the fruit cake??
I wasn’t real nervous, but I realized, I have absolutely no idea what to do in the event of a tornado. Hurricanes…I got you….Blizzards…Ain’t no big thing…but Tornados?? I’m shit out of luck.
I did the one thing every 20 something year old would do…I tried calling my parents. It’s an hour later for them though and it was already 10pm my time so those neglectful parents didn’t pick up. Left to my own devices this is what I came up with:
- I took Henry out for another walk. I didn’t think it would be appropriate to take him out to pee during a tornado (if we got one later) and I definitely did not want to be trapped in an apartment during a tornado with a dog that had to pee.
- I put a water bottle next to my bed. Gotta stay hydrated.
- I put my car keys next to my bed. Figured I might need to drive away from the tornado. You don’t want to be searching for lost car keys when you’re trying to flee a giant wind tunnel of death.
Side Note: I can imagine how mad my dad would be if my mom (who misplaces everything) couldn’t find the keys when they were trying to escape death. That would be a kind of funny story to tell in the afterlife though. “How did you guys die?” “Liz misplaced the key AGAIN and we got sucked up into a tornado.” “Larry, I didn’t misplace the keys. I put them in a very logical spot while I was cleaning up after you AGAIN and now I can’t remember where that spot was. They keys are not lost, they are just put away…somewhere.” God, parents are the best.
- I looked for a flash light, realized I didn’t have one, and then gathered my electronics that glow and put them in my nightstand so I could use them as flash lights if needed.
- Got Henry and went to bed.
Such resourcefulness. I think I was definitely prepared. I should write a manual for everyone in Texas.
I talked to my mom this morning…when I woke up and had survived…apparently you don’t really have to do anything until you hear sirens. When you hear those you are supposed to put on a helmet and hide in your bathtub under something soft and something hard. That’s if you don’t have a basement or a shelter thing.
Side note: did you know those really exist? I thought those were just in movies like Twister.
Another side note: do not watch the movie Twister if you have recently moved to Texas and could experience tornado warnings.
She did suggest that getting an actual flash light would be wise.
A few things I would like to know:
- Do they make helmets for dogs? How selfish of me if I get a helmet, while Henry has to chill defenseless.
- Are people without the shower tub combos (you know the ones that are only showers…the stand up ones…I don’t know how to describe this well) pissed that they have much less space? I bet they are rethinking so many design choices in that moment.
- What about the people with glass door showers? I bet they are even more mad! “Arhhhhh this glass will shatter all over me in the event this tornado touches down right in my neighborhood and destroys my house and stand up shower.”
So long story short. We got really bad thunder and lightning and some decent wind, but no tornado. Henry and I lived!! Henry did stay up the entire night barking every time there was thunder and lightning so that really sucked, but I shouldn’t complain- there was a town where the tornado did hit and I think people did actually die so I’d be a real arse for whining about my dog not sleeping through everything. But seriously, it was really annoying.