Public Humiliation is the Spice of Life

I have never been a very cool person who does cool things and looks awesome always. Most of the time I babble like an idiot, trip over nothing, and have food stuck in my teeth. Public humiliation is kind of my forte. It’s a pretty great life. Here are 11 of my stand out embarrassing moments:

(Why 11 you ask? I was going to write 10 originally, but then realized I had already written 11. So BONUS! You get to read 11 of my embarrassing moments.)

  1. In reading circle (basically daycare for kids before they are old enough for pre-school) we all had to sit in a circle on pillows. I always sat next to my best friend, Helen. My teacher thought that was really unhealthy (umm I don’t remember her having a psych degree. Butt out of my business lady) and that I needed to make new friends. She made Helen move and sit next to some other kids. I cried until the teacher gave up. Turns out I was pretty shy and obnoxious as a child.
  2. That same year in reading circle I peed my pants. Correction, I peed my overalls. I hated having to ask to use the bathroom because I thought it was embarrassing to talk about. (I blame my mother who always said it was gross and un-lady like to talk about bathroom business). Turns out, asking to go to the bathroom is far less embarrassing then peeing your pants. My mom had to come pick me up and buy the lady a new pillow. I think it was really just my revenge since she had tried to make Helen move. Totally showed her.
  3. In kindergarten we had to present a talent. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian so I memorized a bunch of jokes from this book. The kid who was going right before me apparently had the same idea AND he told my best joke! It was something about ducks and being quacks. It killed with the 5 and under crowd. All of a sudden I got super nervous. I realized I wasn’t funny, that the rest of my jokes sucked, and that I had no idea what to say to my audience of fellow kindergartners and parents. I cried and refused to speak

    I didn’t think I was that big of a crier as a child…I guess I was? God I must have been annoying.

  4. In elementary school this kid Jake was the cutest, coolest boy ever. I was seriously in love with him. He was on my bus and he would occasionally talk to me if nothing else was going on. One day, in fifth grade I think, he told me he would basically go out with any girl in our class even though he was really popular. He thought everyone was really nice and wouldn’t say no to anyone. So I asked him out. He said no.
  5. In elementary school I was a little bit of a tom boy and had to be the best at everything. At recess my friends were had a competition of who could swing the highest and jump off. I decided I had to win. I definitely swung the highest, but when I jumped off I missed my landing and landed right on my ass. I severely bruised my tailbone and couldn’t sit right for a week.
  6. My AIM name in JR High and High School was crzy4u576.
  7. In high school this guy was driving my friends and I around. My friends and I had consumed a few beverages and it was very late at night. I noticed something up ahead in the road and started freaking out and told them to not hit the little person with the flash light. It was a traffic cone with a blinking light on top.
    (You caught me. I really said midget, but I’m trying to write a PC blog here, okay?).
  8. In high school I thought I would seem really cool if I brought my sisters older college friend to one of our school dances. He left after five minutes saying his grandfather had an emergency. My sister told me later that both of his grandfathers had passed away years ago.
  9. In college I had this bad habit of leaving parties alone and not telling my friends where I was going. One Halloween I did just that. I decided I was close enough to the dorms to walk back. It was dark and I was in a stupid costume so, as I started to sober up, I started to regret my decision a little. I called my roommate to come find me. Instead of just waiting for her, I kept walking and decided a great protective measure was to keep my cell phone out and to periodically shout “Don’t mess with me. I’ll call 9-1-1.”
  10. In grad school we had to take improv class because they thought it would help us with networking. Our teacher asked us to record a video where we taught the class how to do something. I taught my MBA class how to do a head stand.

    Seriously people…I’m not talented…stop making me try to do stuff.

  11. Sorry- going to end on a gross note- At my former job the bathrooms were right next to a bunch of people’s desk so everyone could hear you if you were being super loud and gross. I felt really sick one day and started to think there was a very real possibility that I would throw up. I didn’t want everyone to hear me puke so I went to the parking lot and threw up behind my car. Super classy. Technically, my co-workers should thank me since I was only looking out for them.

I think, overall, life is way better when you embarrass yourself. I’d like to take back some of the crying and definitely the peeing, but I’ll keep my awkward, embarrassing tendencies. I don’t think I’d know what to do if I had to act cool. Sounds like it would be much less fun.

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