So by now you all should know that I am obsessed with my weird, old, murderin, crazy neighbor. It’s just so interesting to me that he is so freaking weird and crazy.
In my previous report, I had mentioned his trusty binoculars and sling shot, which he uses to murder innocent birds and squirrels. These items are kept out on a little table on his back patio next to his chair (which has a strawberry patterned chair cover on it, by the way). If he’s ever out on the patio in the morning he’ll usually mumble something in a thick, crazy Texas accent. I pretend to understand, smile and laugh a little, and proceed to pull Henry along faster so I don’t become his next sling shot victim.
This morning, he was not out on his patio, but a new addition to the table was! Any guesses?
He had a super old video camera. I’m talking still records to VHS old, I’m surprised this frail little man can lift this thing old, I don’t think this thing films in color old. I didn’t think you could even still buy blank VHS tapes. Are there working VHS players in the world? So many questions, so little time.
More important questions include: what are you filming sir? Do you film your kills? How do you sling shot and film at the same time (I didn’t see any sign of a tripod)? Should I be more worried about this? Is it weird that I want to try and get invited inside his house?
Other thoughts: What is your name? I think you look like an Earl. Earl it is! Did you pick out the strawberry chair cover and fake flowers in that flower pot? Do you have a wife? Did she pick them out? Do you hate her for that? I mean, it’s pretty girly. Does she approve of your sling shot past time? Can I meet your wife too? I’ve never seen a wife or any evidence of a wife so he probably doesn’t have one. Do you keep her locked inside and hit her with the sling shot if she comes out? That would just be mean! You should let her out. I don’t think that’s what you do, so no wife. If you don’t have a wife, do you live alone? You’re so old! Does anyone bring you food? Is that why you sling shot animals? Are you hunting for dinner? That’s a very Texas thing to do and also very sad. Should I bring him dinner? I think I should bring him dinner.
Look out for Crazy Neighbor Update #9,765: The time I brought Earl dinner.
…If I never post again, you should probably assume Earl killed me…with a sling shot.
Wouldn’t a sling shot been a cool Clue weapon…
Mr. Plum, in the library, with the SLING SHOT!
This past week allergies have been kicking my ass. My allergies were never too bad before, but my recent move to Texas right at the start of their hot as balls summer has introduced my sinuses to a whole new miserable world. Not wanting my misery to make me miss out on learning valuable lessons about myself, I have realized that there are stages I go through when I feel sick. Being that this is an intensely stimulating topic, I figured I’d share those stages with you all (By you all, I mean all 6 readers. I gained 3 followers recently so I’m really moving up in the blog world. Lookout!).
1. I transform into a cranky asshole. I don’t want to speak to people and people don’t want to speak to me. I would be completely content staying home alone for days on end watching movies if I could.
2. Then I decide that’s the best possible decision and actually spend all day at home watching sappy movies. Then I cry. Literally. When I’m sick, I could watch Happy Gilmore and I’d still start crying because he’s just trying to win enough money to save his poor grandmother’s house and that stupid other guy is so mean. I’m not talking one lone tear slowly rolling down my cheek. I’m talking full on ugly cry. I relate any movie to some sad part of my life, or to something sad in the world if nothing is sad in my life, and I have a full on Toddlers In Tiaras meltdown.
3. That turns into me becoming very sentimental. I call everyone in my family to tell them I love them, you know, in case I die. I call friends and have big heart to hearts. *Now would be a good time to screen my calls.*
4. Feeling sentimental makes me want to eat comfort food. That becomes a problem because comfort food isn’t exactly the type of food that helps you get over a cold or flu. So inevitably the food makes me feel worse, which makes me mad, which starts the process all over again. It’s a pretty brutal cycle.
5. Throughout every stage, one thing remains constant: I want to sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. I don’t like having to move or function. The couch will be my home and I will be happy.
Basically, I am a joy to be around when I’m sick. It’s a great time to come by and hang.
From now on I’m going to put out a warning when I start to feel a cold brewing. It’s better for everyone.
This picture is actually a funny side story- It’s pretty gross through so Helen, stop reading here.
My freshman year of college I turned 18 at the beginning of the school year (Sept 30). My parents thought it would be fun for my to be with my surrogate air show family so they flew me up to Monterey, CA for an air show there. It was a blast, but Sunday, when I was heading home, I started to feel terrible. I took an antacid and figured I’d power through. My plan did not go well. I was waiting in line to check in for my flight when I suddenly knew I was going to get sick. I didn’t have enough time to run to the bathroom, but I didn’t want to ruin the carpets so I headed towards the bathroom and threw up in my hands on the way. I was literally holding my vomit trying to make my way to the restrooms. Such a classy moment. Some nice lady handed me paper towels and I managed to clean myself up. Thinking I had it together and not really having any other options, I got on the plane. Poor old guy sitting next to me, didn’t know what he was in for. You know the barf bag they put in every seat? Well, I made good use of that bag. Once I landed in San Diego, I half walked, half crawled my way to baggage claim. That’s when I learned they had lost my luggage. Awesome. I left my information, picked out the closest picture to what my bag looked like, jumped in a taxi and headed back to my dorm.
I was sooooo happy to be back home and ready to be in bed. I opened the door to my apartment and was met by a surprise birthday party! This was a very movie like moment. This was the first surprise party that has been thrown in my honor (and only since I haven’t had one since). My amazing roommates had made a cake and bought food (not an easy thing to do when no one has a car and you live in an on campus apartment) and invited all of our new college friends over. I had already ruined it a little by being so late (having had to deal with the luggage situation) and now I had to tell them, thanks, but I’m dying and need to go to bed.
I stayed for a bit and blew out the candles on my cake, but quickly exited the living room and slept for a good 24 hours. This time I skipped my angry stage and went right to being sentimental and sad. What sweet roommates I had to throw me a party and I destroyed it! Wahhhhh. Sorry roomies and friends. You guys were the best!
Lately my Dad has been on a mission to make sure all of us are staying in touch with my grandmother, who we all call Mims. I think it’s a combination of the fact that she just turned 81 and that we all now live in different states that makes him worried about her being lonely and missing her family.
Mims is one of the most amazing people I know. She was a killer grandmother, made evident by the fact that every kid in her neighborhood also calls her Mims and thinks she’s their grandmother too. I kid you not, this really happened: This little boy knocked on her door one morning. He had this other little girl with him. Mims answered and asked if they wanted to come in for tea. He replied “Nope, Ali just moved in and I wanted her to know where the neighborhood grandmother lived. See Ali, you just come see Mims if you need anything or just want a cookie.”
I’ve also had a little girl get very defensive when she asked who I was and Mims told her I was her actual grandchild. I think she was a little jealous I was a blood relative. I shot her a real nice look and let her know what was up. I’m the priority here little lady, now stop stealing all the my cookies!
Mims is pretty badass, but we’ve started to see some effects from getting older. Last night, I was out walking Henry so I figured I’d give her a call (you’re welcome dad). Here are some snippets from out conversation.
Mims: I’ve been getting so many cards and phone calls lately. You all must really think I’m getting old!
Me: We’ll you told everyone this was your last year, so that probably has something to do with it.
Mims: It is! I have one year left! Claim your items for the will now while you can.
(True story- her doctor says she’s perfectly healthy, but she’s decided otherwise. Because of that she is trying to give away everything in her house now claiming that she doesn’t want anyone to fight over her things when she’s dead. Last time I went to her house I left with two bookcases, two bags with linens and bedding, and around 4 kitchen’s worth of cooking items.)
(Dad- I think she’s catching on to your little mission.)
Mims: Have you been going out and making friends?
Me: Ummm yes, why?
Mims: I’d like you to get married soon and you aren’t going to find a husband sitting at home with Henry.
Me: Sorry Mims, I don’t think a wedding is happening any time soon.
Mims: Why not!? All men should love you. I mean, you’re perfect!
Me: Thanks for the boost to my self esteem, but I think your opinion might be a little skewed. You should yell at Erin! She’s had a boyfriend for years! They should be the ones getting married.
(Sorry Erin. I had to get off the subject some how. You were my way out.)
Mims: How is your job going?
Mims: What do you do again? (I get asked this question kind of a lot from my family…I think it’s because they don’t think event planning is a real job still so they ask over and over expecting a different answer).
Me: I plan events for radio stations. You know concerts and stuff.
Mims: Oh my goodness. That’s too much. Do you have helpers? You shouldn’t be doing that on your own.
(I still don’t think she really understands what I do)
Mims: You know, not everyone likes the same things. It’s fine if people enjoy doing different things sometimes.
Me: Thanks for the nugget of knowledge.
Mims: My love, it’s 6pm! You should be having dinner. I’m an old lady now so I can eat whenever I want, but you should eat!
Me: Okay I’ll talk to you soon Mims!
Mims: If you need money I’ll give you some…no one has to know.
No one has to know? When did you get so shady?? If she starts to say down low, I’ll be really concerned.
Anyway, my grandmother is awesome…crazy, but mostly just awesome.
Another true story: In her will it says I get all of the TVs in the house. Baller.
My co-workers are some pretty awesome people. They’re always looking out for my well-being. For example, this morning my office mate sent me this little gem…
Subject line: I SOLVED DATING FOR YOU! My favorite part is the little description: “…where you never have to feel alone, awkward, or a burden because you are gluten-free.” I’m awkward, but not because I’m gluten free,people. Since when do gluten free people feel like a burden?? I’m pretttttyy awesome so people should just be happy to be around me. Duh! I mean this blog alone has like 6 followers. So cool.
What I’m trying to say is…I’m joining immediately. User name: IStillEatPizzaWhenI’mDrunk,BeJealous.
Too long of a user name? I’ll keep working on it.
Life has been fairly uneventful these days so here’s a recap.
1. Henry decided not to sleep past 5am one morning so I took him out for a walk a bit earlier than normal. I was pissed until….
Neighbors be crazy update #3: Turns out my old, crazy neighbor puts out bird seed and food early in the morning before taking his seat with his binoculars and sling shot. He lures them in! Stone cold killer status. I’m a little concerned.
2. I’ve learned you shouldn’t go on a date with someone who works at an establishment that you have to frequent often. I recently went out with Henry’s vet tech. The date was fine, but lacking any spark. Bummer dude. I was all ready with my lets be friends go to conversation, followed by some time to reduce the awkwardness of seeing him in person. I thought Henry was finally clear of all his medical shizzz so I wouldn’t have to worry about any vet visits, but the jerk groomers cut his paw so I needed to go in to get some protective ointment grossness. I couldn’t avoid the vet tech. He stayed in the room for my consultation with the vet and waited out front with me while I picked up his cream. He acted like Henry was his dog too and was very concerned. Give a girl some room yo. Being my awkward self I grabbed that ointment real quick yelled a goodbye to the front desk ladies and ran out of there. Maybe I just need to be a less awkward and more normal person, but let’s be honest, that will never happen.
3. Case in point: I went on two dates with another guy and spilled my drink BOTH times! Seriously people, I am so awkward. Think he’ll ask me out again?
4. I’ve decided I really love that swiffer commercial with the old people. I would like Morty to be my grandfather. Is that weird?
5. I saw the movie the Conjuring. The house is in RI. I’ve read bunch of stories about people trying to sneak into the house to see everything now that the movies out. The couple that live there now are pisssssed. I want to know why the hell anyone would want to live there or go there. What is wrong with you people? That crazy bitch was scary! Hope that couple got a ridiculously good deal on the price.
6. I love kale.
7. I went on a sushi date recently. The guy texted me a shirtless selfie before the date. Told me he “wanted me to know what was up.” I probably should have cancelled then. Note to men: don’t send me mirror selfies, it’s not cool.
He also told me he should get points for not expecting or asking for a picture in return…seriously dude?
8. I watch House Hunters and find myself totally judging the couples. For example: in one episodes recap, after they’ve purchased the house, the wife goes “it’s nice to have space and to not always have to be in the same room, but to be honest we always end up together anyway. Can’t stay away from each other for too long.” I almost vomited. Am I a terrible person? Probably just bitter 🙂 Maybe I should be judged for watching House Hunters? Whatever HGTV is my shit.
9. I think there should be more holidays involving costumes. I mean, who doesn’t love a good costume? No? Just me? Whatever.
10. I think this is the most important update so I saved it for last. Dark chocolate has grown on me. Whatttt?? I know right. Such a big deal. In my attempt to get in shape, I am following my madres manual (she’s a real skinny lady these days). So I don’t cheat on my diet I allow myself one dark chocolate treat before bed. I highly recommend the Ghirardelli Sea Salt and Caramel squares. Those bastards be tasty.
Basically, my life is super exciting. Aren’t you so jealous?