Woooo buddy. It’s been a minute so I have a couple important updates about my lovely little retirement community that I have found myself living in. Lets start with a new character before moving on to my buddy Earl.
I forget my new neighbors name so I’m going to call her Fran. (Side note: I’m clearly reallly good at coming up with sweet names for my neighbors).
So I’m out walking Henry one evening and I get approached by Fran. I’ve never met her before, but she walked right up to me looking like she had something important to say, so I figured I’d see what was up. I stop and am ready for her to say hello and start petting Henry, but instead she stares me down and say “I just have to tell you, I think it is so impossible for women your age to find anyone to be with even for a little while. I’m not even talking marriage, I’m talking about even just to date for a little bit. People today are terrible and I don’t think you’ll find someone good. I was lucky, I married my husband a long time ago, but I teach now and I see young people who have to settle for these terrible people with no job.”
I am dead serious. She continued this rant for a good five minutes. I just nodded along and said yes a few times. Mostly I was thinking, is my crew neck sweatshirt and soccer shorts a giveaway that I’m single? Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. Then she asks how long I’ve been with the guy I live with now. Now I was very confused. First because I don’t live with someone and second because if she thought I lived with a guy, then why would she be ranting about me not being able to find a good man? I corrected her and informed her I live alone. Now she seemed confused. To change the subject she finally acknowledged Henry, only she called him Wilbur. I corrected her again. That’s when we both came to the realization that she thought I was another girl that lived in the complex. She’s the only other person who lives in the apartments that has brown hair. That’s where the similarity ends; however. She does live with her boyfriend. She has long hair that pretty dark brown, almost black. Her dog, Wilbur, has black fur. I’m pretty sure she is a good three inches taller than me and is in way better shape. I’m going to take Fran confusing us as a compliment, but I really think the older people in the apartment just blend all the young people together. You know how they say studies have shown that white people can’t tell the difference between Asian or African American people…I think old people can’t tell the difference between young people. It makes total sense, old people have been calling me my sisters names for years! Anyway, Fran quickly moved on, but I think we are new best friends.
Now on to Earl. The last few weeks I have been very worried about my Earl. I was walking Henry on the trail past his apartment one morning and saw the maintenance people pulling all the carpet out of the place. My first thought was “What a lucky bastard! How did he get new carpets when I’m stuck with stupid old tan ones. The next day I had another more terrifying thought. The apartment complex cleans or replaces carpet if people LEAVE! EARLLLLLLL NOOOOOOO. I remind you, Earl is pretty old so if he left the apartment complex, I did not think it would be to move to a new hot spot with a better pool. I thought dear old, murdering Earl had died! The birds and squirrels were probably psyched.
So a week or so goes by and I’m thinking Earl is dunzo and I need to move on to my other weirdo neighbors (Fran was a front runner). THEN a real twist came into play. My co-worker stopped into my office one day and asked if I lived in the Chappell Creek apartments. When I said yes, she told me that her in-laws or ex-in-laws or something like that lived there too. To make a long story short, she told me they noticed a leak that turned into a downpour and the realization that the upstairs apartment water heater had broken and was now dumping water into her in-laws lower unit. Everything was drenched and ruined, but the apartment management people were really nice about it and put them up in a new apartment for now while they replaced the carpets and all their furniture and stuff. The whole time she’s talking I could barely listen because all I could think was OMG EARL IS RELATED KIND OF SORT OF TO MY CO-WORKER! I had a million questions, specifically about the sling shot, but that would mean admitting that I stalk and blog about her family. They already think I’m super weird because I tried to eat ribs with a fork and knife so I figured I’d bit my tongue and keep this one to myself.