I’m Back!

Woooo buddy. It’s been a minute so I have a couple important updates about my lovely little retirement community that I have found myself living in. Lets start with a new character before moving on to my buddy Earl.

I forget my new neighbors name so I’m going to call her Fran. (Side note: I’m clearly reallly good at coming up with sweet names for my neighbors).

So I’m out walking Henry one evening and I get approached by Fran. I’ve never met her before, but she walked right up to me looking like she had something important to say, so I figured I’d see what was up. I stop and am ready for her to say hello and start petting Henry, but instead she stares me down and say “I just have to tell you, I think it is so impossible for women your age to find anyone to be with even for a little while. I’m not even talking marriage, I’m talking about even just to date for a little bit. People today are terrible and I don’t think you’ll find someone good. I was lucky, I married my husband a long time ago, but I teach now and I see young people who have to settle for these terrible people with no job.”  

I am dead serious. She continued this rant for a good five minutes. I just nodded along and said yes a few times. Mostly I was thinking, is my crew neck sweatshirt and soccer shorts a giveaway that I’m single? Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. Then she asks how long I’ve been with the guy I live with now. Now I was very confused. First because I don’t live with someone and second because if she thought I lived with a guy, then why would she be ranting about me not being able to find a good man? I corrected her and informed her I live alone. Now she seemed confused. To change the subject she finally acknowledged Henry, only she called him Wilbur. I corrected her again. That’s when we both came to the realization that she thought I was another girl that lived in the complex. She’s the only other person who lives in the apartments that has brown hair. That’s where the similarity ends; however. She does live with her boyfriend. She has long hair that pretty dark brown, almost black. Her dog, Wilbur, has black fur. I’m pretty sure she is a good three inches taller than me and is in way better shape. I’m going to take Fran confusing us as a compliment, but I really think the older people in the apartment just blend all the young people together. You know how they say studies have shown that white people can’t tell the difference between Asian or African American people…I think old people can’t tell the difference between young people. It makes total sense, old people have been calling me my sisters names for years! Anyway, Fran quickly moved on, but I think we are new best friends.

Now on to Earl. The last few weeks I have been very worried about my Earl. I was walking Henry on the trail past his apartment one morning and saw the maintenance people pulling all the carpet out of the place. My first thought was “What a lucky bastard! How did he get new carpets when I’m stuck with stupid old tan ones. The next day I had another more terrifying thought. The apartment complex cleans or replaces carpet if people LEAVE! EARLLLLLLL NOOOOOOO. I remind you, Earl is pretty old so if he left the apartment complex, I did not think it would be to move to a new hot spot with a better pool. I thought dear old, murdering Earl had died! The birds and squirrels were probably psyched.

So a week or so goes by and I’m thinking Earl is dunzo and I need to move on to my other weirdo neighbors (Fran was a front runner). THEN a real twist came into play. My co-worker stopped into my office one day and asked if I lived in the Chappell Creek apartments. When I said yes, she told me that her in-laws or ex-in-laws or something like that lived there too. To make a long story short, she told me they noticed a leak that turned into a downpour and the realization that the upstairs apartment water heater had broken and was now dumping water into her in-laws lower unit. Everything was drenched and ruined, but the apartment management people were really nice about it and put them up in a new apartment for now while they replaced the carpets and all their furniture and stuff. The whole time she’s talking I could barely listen because all I could think was OMG EARL IS RELATED KIND OF SORT OF TO MY CO-WORKER! I had a million questions, specifically about the sling shot, but that would mean admitting that I stalk and blog about her family. They already think I’m super weird because I tried to eat ribs with a fork and knife so I figured I’d bit my tongue and keep this one to myself.

Neighbors Be Crazy

Having lived in my apartment for just over a month, I have started to get to know a few of my neighbors. Most are really nice and funny and others are a little crazy. Here is a recap of some of my interactions thus far.

1. There is a dirt trail that snakes through my apartment complex that I usually follow on walks with Henry. I had started to get a little nervous because along the trail I noticed a dead bird one day and a dead squirrel on another. We have a pest guy that comes every last Thursday of the month so I thought maybe he was spraying something that was killing these animals and that could potentially hurt Henry. Well, a few days ago I found the real reason for the poor dead creatures…an old, murderin’ neighbor!

Every apartment has a little patio/balcony in the front or back of the place and the trail runs right past most of them. A few days ago I was out walking Henry on my lunch break when I noticed my neighbor sitting out on his patio. He has to be at least 70 years old. I’ve seen him out there before and he never really says much. If he ever does I usually can’t understand him so I just laugh and smile and tug on Henry to keep it movin’. That day I noticed my neighbor had binoculars in his lap. My first thought was that he was trying to look into other people’s apartments…old perv. My second thought was that he was bird watching. How cute…just an old, bird watchin’ fella. My second thought was closer to the truth than my first, except he’s not a cute, old fella, he’s a murderin’ old fella! Along with his binoculars my neighbor had a sling shot with him! That’s right. He’s been killing birds and squirrels with a sling shot! I had to admit, that’s a little bad ass, but mostly crazy!
Someone must have said something to him because I haven’t seen any more dead animals. He now has a metal chicken, which he moves around this big tree and uses as a target instead. Still very weird.

2. My upstairs neighbor is a doctor. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we all set our trash out on the curb to be picked up. For a doctor, he eats a ridiculous amount of Domino’s Pizza. I’m talking 2-3 empty boxes almost every trash day. Shouldn’t he know that’s not a healthy diet?

Really I’m just jealous that he gets to eat that much pizza. God I love pizza.

3. I recently met my mail man. He has a sweet 70’s mustache, a pony tail, and wears bandanna’s. He talked to me for 30 minutes about how he used to own basset hounds. I couldn’t come up with a polite way to say “Cool, but can you please just give me my mail already?” He did give Henry a dog biscuit before leaving though, so that was nice.

4. Apparently there are only old people and med students/doctors that live in my apartment complex. And the occasional Fort Hood Army person. One day, when I was out walking Henry again, one old lady stopped to tell me that my shoes were fabulous and that “she used to be a looker too.” I’ll take that as a compliment? She proceeded to tell me all about how she used to live in a mansion and that she had beautiful clothes and cars and jewelry. Her family told her they were selling it and that she either needed to move to a small apartment or an assisted living home. She got the biggest 3 bedroom apartment they have at Chapel Creek just to annoy her family. I love her a little bit.

5. This other old lady, the mother of one of my neighbors, was sitting in her car one morning. She opened her door as Henry and I walked by and said “Miss, your dog is just absolutely lovely.” Old people are seriously the cutest (except for the animal killin’ old man). She asked if she could pet Henry. He proceeded to try and climb into her lap and eat her Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich. My neighbor said I probably made her day since she loves dogs so much.

I think instead of working every day, I am just going to walk around with Henry and visit old people. Maybe I should stop calling them old people first?

I was telling my boss some of these stories the other day. His only response was that maybe I should try to meet people my own age and have more of a life. Old people, people watching doesn’t sound like a life to you? Weird.